mundy:

chriscantwell:

tomoatmeal:

My wife, Diane smiled and motioned for me to join her in the doorway to watch the carolers out on the lawn.  But I wouldn’t budge.  By staying low and keeping my body pressed against the small section of brick wall, I had all but eliminated the chance of being picked off by gunfire.  If they wanted me dead, they were going to have to storm the property and kill me with close-range weapons.  And even though my familiarity with the floorplan would give me the clear advantage in a breach scenario, I didn’t want it to come to that.

“Just end it,” I said to Diane.  “Tell them anything, but make them stop.”

“C’mon!” said Diane.  “C’mon!  They see me talking to you.  Stop being silly.”

I strained to make sense of the lyrics; a strange and escalating demand for a type of pudding that I wasn’t familiar with. 

“Figgy pudding?” I thought.  “Well we don’t have any of that.  We have Greek yogurt, though.  I wonder if that will suffice.”

“Diane,” I whispered.  “Give them the Greek yogurt.  Give them all of it.”

“Will you please stand up and get over here?  Dave and Linda are out there.”

My wife’s hesitation had enraged the carolers and they wasted no time upping the stakes in a tone that was louder and far more menacing.

“We won’t go until we get some!” they sang.  “We won’t go until we get some!”

“Oh, Diane, you fool!” I barked.  “You fucked us!”

It was clear that any negotiation that I might’ve been able to achieve with the Greek Yogurt was long gone.  These people knew what they wanted and they were going to take it – even if it meant barging in here and cooking it themselves in a pan or a pot or do you use a microwaveable bowl?  I wasn’t sure of the logistics, but I knew one thing: It was time to take action.

Diane waved at the carolers and smiled and several witnesses would attest to it months later, in the courtroom.  That Diane waved and smiled, unaware and therefore, unaffiliated with my decision to smash through the window and fire at my attackers with a shotgun.

THE END.

One of the best Tom Oatmeals I’ve read in a while.

The best Tom Oatmeal?

I feel like every Tom Oatmeal is the best Tom Oatmeal…but this invigorates my christmas spirit.